The American Turd Association

My Name is Gene Whitford.

Back in the spring of 1991, I was staying on the front porch of some friend's house on Main Street in downtown Gainesville.

Across Main Street right around the corner was the Coney Island Restaurant, The Hardback Cafe bar and right next to that was the Hippodrome State Theater.

There was a friend of mine named Cris that worked as cook at the Coney Island Restaurant. For some reason every time we got together, Cris and I would always joke around about shit, feces, turds and poop, or whatever. We thought it was really funny.

We would say stuff like "Man, I sure could go for a big bowl of turd soup right about now!"

Then, one of us (We don't remember which one) thought that we should start up The American Turd Association, for other people who like to joke around about shit. Cris said that he would be the Vice President and that I could be the President.

So later on we got a notebook and went to the Hardback Cafe to write down the names of other people who wanted to be members of The American Turd Association. We told people that if they wanted to be members, all they had to do was sign their names in our notebook. Then if they decided that they didn't want to be Turds anymore that we would just mark out their names. I asked this girl named Headie if she wanted to be a member of the organization. She said that she would be a member, but only if we made her the secretary. So we decided to make her the secretary.

We found that a lot of people really wanted to be Turds and liked joking around about shit. It turned out to be a pretty big hit. We said stuff like, "If you ain't a Turd, you ain't shit!" We thought of different Turd beverages like a "Turd Float". We could ask," Have you ever had a "Turd Float?" Or a "Butt Shake" Have you ever seen a "Butt Shake?" We thought of an alcoholic Turd beverage called "Butt Liquor". (Also pronounced, "Butt Licker".)

Then we found out that a few people actually didn't like the concept of Turds and didn't think that it was funny either. So then this guy named Bill and this girl named Jen started up an Anti-Turd organization called "The Assholes". One night I was in the Hardback Cafe playing pool when they came in. They said, "Hey, were the Assholes" and I said "Your shitin' me!" Apparently the whole mission of the Assholes was to try and wipe out the Turds.

At the time, I was schizophrenic and on primitive medications that that didn't work that well. This made me paranoid and I thought that the Assholes were really out to get us. I thought that it was tuning into a gang war of the Turds verses the Assholes.

So I resigned as president and disbanded the Turds.

Because of this the whole Turd organization only lasted for a week the first time. I still think that we were funnier than the Assholes were. Although, as I remember, it was a slow week at the Hardback Cafe, we still managed to get about 25 signatures of people who wanted to be Turds in that week.

Soon after that someone stole my medications off of the front porch where I was staying. So I stopped taking them and had a full-blown schizophrenic episode.

I was acting up pretty badly after that so I wound up getting kicked out of the Hardback Cafe and off of the front porch as well.

After a while I got back on my medications and apologized to everyone and they let me back in the Hardback and gave me another chance.

In the spring of 1993 I got $80,000 from a trust fund that my relatives gave me and I moved back to Gainesville. I got back in touch with Cris and we started up the American Turd Association again for the second time. I got this guy named Radical Bill to be the treasurer. As the Treasurer, Radical Bill helped me find and rent an upscale apartment in downtown Gainesville next to the Hippodrome and only a block away from the Hardback Cafe Bar.

We got this cute blond haired girl to be the secretary. (I thought that it would be cool to have a sexy blond secretary for the ATA).

Soon afterwards, I got kicked out of the fancy apartment complex for being too crazy, making noise and disturbing the neighbors.

A little while after that I got the secretary to help me find another place to rent and Cris and I became roommates for a few months. Then in 1993 I resigned as the President of the ATA and disbanded the Turds again, for personal reasons.

After that this girl from Germany did a video interview with Cris and I at our apartment. She called it "Jesus-Gene, the Turds and other Visions". In the video I talked about The American Turd Association. I also talked about my life, my schizophrenia and my visions; dreams and synchronicities that indicated to me that I would one day be a big world leader. The video won first place in a video contest at the Hippodrome State Theater. They also showed the video at the Hardback Cafe a couple times.

Around 1998 or so, I got back in touch with Cris on and off a bit to start up the ATA for the 3rd time.

I got some Turd T-shirts made and 3 different bumper stickers made.

Some of the stickers say "American Turd Association" some say "Got Poop? And the others just say "Turd" on them. I also got some red, white and blue pens made that say, "American Turd Association" on them and some Turd Buttons as well.

I heard a woman put one of our "Got Poop?" stickers on her baby stroller. I would have never thought of the mothers of young babies demographic. It makes sense though, as mothers have to deal with lots of poop.

We were thinking that if we ever get big in other countries we might need to change our name to the "International Turd Association". Or if we go into space we could be the "Interplanetary Turd Association". Then we could also be the "Interstellar Turd Association", or the "Intergalactic Turd Association". The best one I can think of at this time would be the "Inter -Dimensional Turd Association".

Anyways, I like being referred to as the president of the "Brown Party". Well, I guess that we all got to do our Dootie in life.

I'm sure there's more where that came from-- HA HA!